low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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