I looked at my own cervix.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
