Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
