After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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