Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
