If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
