Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
