I accidentally burped into my bong.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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