Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
