Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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