I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
