just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
