this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
