it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Two words: blizzard sex
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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