Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
