got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
