Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
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