Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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