I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
