Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
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Your topless pictures make me question reality
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
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He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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