I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Of course I have a pirate flag
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
