Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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