Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
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You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I need water and some morals
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize