He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Randomize
