some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
