Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
