Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
