Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
