blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
