Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
