When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I am one with the molecules
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
