JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I just sucked dick on a ferry
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
