i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
