mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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