You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
