O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
