Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
