Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Text me some of your sweat
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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