Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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