since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
