im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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