I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
We need to get me chipped asap
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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