my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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