If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
