i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
