How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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