just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
