wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
