I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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