So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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