The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
