i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
