So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
