he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
