Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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