i may or may not be watching the land before time
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Randomize
