nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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