why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
