I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Randomize
