He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
