You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Randomize
