you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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