I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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